Dream/Vision (3 December 1963, Moscow)
Do I really have to wear this? But she knew if she didn't he would know she was not who she was supposed to be. So she took off her dress. Seriously, though, skirts and uniforms. How do people think this is a good idea. She slowly got changed, though. I am not going to blend in in this. … Although I guess nobody should actually confuse it for something sexual. It is actually designed to be modest, not revealing. I am just too accustomed to female bodies being considered sexual objects.
How did I agree to join the KGB? How does that make sense? Although I am probably working against the US, not the dissidents. I do want to fight against capital; I know how much of a threat this ends up being. I am influenced by fictional depictions of heroism and have warrior instincts. Many people do this type of thing believing they are helping. But I know better. … What could have changed to make this possible? And what is this about my brother? … And I doubt I could do this. Assuming, of course, that I can't overcome my limitations, most of which I am sure I can. Some aspects may actually make me more aware and helpful. Maybe the physical limitations don't matter. Or were healed.
Jennifer had put on her skirt and shirt and was holding her tie when Sergey came over.
“Tebe pomoch'?” (Do you want help with that?)
“Da.” (Yes.) She handed him the tie but she still half expected him to hurt her. When he didn't, she was relieved. Right. This is a dress uniform. I probably haven't worn a tie very often. He doesn't actually expect me to understand how to deal with male fashion accessories. He took his hands away when done and handed her jacket to her.
Jennifer put on and buttoned up her jacket then picked up the rest of the outfit and followed him into the hallway.
In the kitchen he said I belong here. What, does he mean that … ? No. Probably more like I actually have a sense that these are my people, that life makes sense. … Is that even possible for me?
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