March Update

Every time I go back to write this, more time has elapsed, and I need to add or rewrite things. In the almost two weeks since I have been back in Kingston, I have been taking things slow and dealing with the basics, food, cleaning, walking the dog, talking to people. So far this month, there has been only one good week, this week.

It seems like every day what has been bothering me about the virus for the past month and everything for the past few months has gotten clearer and clearer, going from my unconscious to my conscious mind.

So, I am back in Kingston, in my apartment, with my dog. My thought process was to self-isolate for a week, just to make sure no cases appear at PI, then go back to having some social contact -- going shopping, taking the dog for longer walks, playing games and talking (in person!) with my limited group of friends.

It is weird and frustrating to go from not being able to contact colleagues because they are traveling to not being able to contact them except online because they are self-isolating. And nothing has really changed, except the numbers, and, of course, the orders given from above.

I had realized that the week before I returned I had forgotten to pay rent because of mental issues, but seeking someone in Kingston was difficult. Apparently, all of our group was away somewhere for work. I, like always, had failed to seek out conferences or meetings to attend. By that time, however, I knew it was probably not an issue this year since conferences were being canceled or moved online.

I had forgotten because, the first week of this month was very difficult on me. I kind of broke down due to the election, although not for the reasons people may think. Basically, I had to make a decision of who to vote for, (well not really, but ...) and decided to choose my favorite of the ones I actually believed could potentially win the election, since I wanted to make my voice count for something. I was not happy with this because I was unhappy with certain things he said, but this was all I could do in this context.

However both my colleagues and my family had a different favorite from either my favored candidate or my choice, and talked to me in a way which implied that I agreed with their assessment. My mother was much better to converse with, as there was no assumption of agreement.

The basic issue -- I continuously feel left out of the conversation, my needs, perspectives, and voice continuously dismissed as irrelevant. This is what they call "lack of democracy," a problem I was fully aware of even in 6th grade. Various incidents from this time had led me to develop a consensus-based decision making model before I was taught about such things.


In the past month, there where two notable moments when things felt good. One was right before I left PI, playing Pandemic with a group of people in the Black Hole Bistro at PI. It felt like we were weathering a crisis alone, together. And that felt good. Maybe I just miss that game.

The other was my first week back, running in the park with my dog. It was the first time in a long time when I felt as if I could do vigorous exercise without it feeling horrible. Perhaps not even trying to do work or go places has helped.


Here are some articles which have inspired me in the past month or so.
   --  How South Korea managed the pandemic. -- While I am not that big a fan of trying to protect "democracy" or "the economy" as these sort of abstract concepts, he does legitimately talk about the need to take care of people, factoring in more than just the current threat, while still managing the current crisis, and, of course, actually thinking about what is necessary.
        He talks a lot about how shutting down businesses causes problems for poorer people, but he left out the mental health damage due to forced isolation of everyone, even healthy people from healthy people. (Granted, the ability to avoid isolating healthy people from healthy people requires knowing who is sick, but that is kind of the point.)
  --  Slavoj Zizek on the pandemic and the need for solidarity. -- Slavoj Zizek is one of these modern political philosophers. Unlike Noam Chomsky, he considers himself less political and more of a philosopher. Like Noam Chomsky, he actually thinks about modern societal problems.
  --  This is a joke suggestion for a US presidential candidate, which amused me since he highlights the reality of US foreign policy.


Writing:

This is going to be slow. I may try to write an unedited less serious story while I work on the one I have on the website. Part of the problem is that I am not that good at self-editing or even writing, and there are things I want to get out, but I also want my story to be decent.

Various Thoughts Regarding Politics:

This is basically my perspective of the US elections and the Russian constitutional reform.

My Thoughts about and Reaction to Coronavirus:

Coming -- I have a a large number of random thoughts and observations. What I have to say seems to freak everyone out, but my perspective from both struggling with mental health and learning from the activists should provide a break from the usual mantras everyone keeps saying.